Ziva
by SophieDevereauxtoo
Summary: Ziva comes to visit Sophie. Sophie questions her life choices.


It's been a long week. We've been in New York chasing down a stock broker who's been ripping off his clients. The set up was complex, phony reports, large sums of money being exchanged and me, the hooker turned girlfriend. It was not my favorite character to play. It took a complex mix of alcohol, drugs and suggestion to keep him off of me and still believing that we had a relationship. We just got back into Boston this afternoon and I am exhausted. Nate suggested I come home and crash and I thought that was a great idea. I've been lounging on the sofa with a glass of wine and an art magazine, Mozart on the stereo.

I am only semi-conscious when the doorbell rings. I reluctantly roll myself off the couch and smooth out my clothes, thankful that I didn't change into something less presentable. I peak through the peephole and can just make out the back of a woman, short, dark haired, pony tail. Not somebody that I'm expecting, not that I'm expecting anyone.

I watch as the woman starts down the walk then turns and comes back to the door, raises her hand to the bell again then changes her mind and turns to walk away. I open the door and she freezes. "Ziva?" She turns, obviously embarrassed to be caught in her indecisiveness. "Sophie. I was just, uh, in town and I thought I would, I mean if it is OK, I thought I might say HI."

"Ziva, you are always welcome here" I tell her. "Come in." "Oh I should not. I am sorry to bother you. I should be getting back." "Ziva!" I say "You are here. You're coming in. It's been a long time and we need to catch up." "It has been a very long time" she says. She comes in and sits on the sofa while I go to the kitchen to make some tea and find some food to eat.

Ziva and I have kept in touch by periodic email for the last couple years, ever since Eliot and I traveled to DC to find Tara. I have always said she is welcome but I am still surprised to find her at my door. It is not like Ziva to be impulsive. Her indecision about staying at the door surprises me too. I wonder how long it took her to ring the bell in the first place. I guess that she's here for a reason though I can't imagine what I can do to help an ex-Mossad and Kidon (assassination team) member turned Navy police officer.

I hand Ziva a cup of tea and she nibbles on a cracker while we make small talk. How are the guys? DiNozzo, McGee, Ducky and Gibbs. And of course Abby. She asks about Eliot and we talk about him for a while. I notice she hasn't asked about Tara and I wonder why. I decide to bring it up myself.

"You know, Tara and I are living together now." Ziva smiles. "I am so happy for you Sophie. You and Tara make a great couple. I am glad you worked out your differences." I nod. "It was difficult for us. You know how it is." "Yes" she says "I know how it is being a woman in a man's job." "It was more than that" I say. "I had a lot of fears. About being hurt, about her leaving me." I pause, trying to think how to say what I want to say. "About being with a woman?" She offers. I nod, impressed at how intuitive she is. "Yeah. That too. It was just not who I ever thought I would be." It's Ziva's turn to nod. "I understand that too. Things do not always turn out to fit the pictures we drew when we were little." I raise my cup to her. "That is something very true. I thought I was going to be a famous actress, married perhaps. An international art thief and grifter? Not in a million years." Ziva lowers her eyes. "I was never allowed to have dreams like that. My future was drawn for me before I was born. I never had much of a choice." I put my hand on her shoulder and I feel her stiffen. "You have a choice now Ziva. You can be whoever you want to be." She sighs. "I wish that were true Sophie." I smile softly at her. "The past is in the past. The future has yet to be written." Ziva's eyes are soft and moist when she looks up at me. "I do wish that to be true" she says quietly. I wonder what it cost her just to have this conversation. I imagine these are thoughts she has never dared to say aloud before.

"You know Sophie, you and I are very much alike. Two birds who wear the same feathers." I smile at the butchered idiom. "How so?" I ask. She thinks for a minute. "We both live a lie. You lie for a living, always pretending to be someone new. I lie to my father and to my friends. I make believe that I live the life they want me to live. But inside of me, I don't know who I am. I am not sure I ever have." Her eyes are teary again. I put my cup down and pull her into a hug. "I'm sorry Ziva. I am. Don't give up. You will figure it out. You have plenty of time to become who you are supposed to be. Not who your father or Gibbs or anyone wants you to be." She buries her face into my shoulder. I can feel the wet from her tears even as she assures me that she will be OK.

I hold Ziva for a long time, playing with her hair and making soothing noises until she calms down and her breathing slows. I slide myself out from under her and lay her out on the couch. I cover her with a quilt and kiss her forehead before retiring to my bedroom. I sit cross legged on my bed, thinking. I miss Tara. I am used to her being here with me, in my, in our bed. Sitting with Ziva though, it brought up feelings that I don't quite understand. I don't feel the heat and desire that rushes through me when Tara touches me. Still, I feel a fondness, maybe even an attraction to her. She's small and fit comfortably in my arms, a reverse position than I usually find myself in with Tara. And her body is thin, muscular, even more so than Tara, yet soft enough that she melted into me. I shake my head at the thought. I made a promise to Tara a long time ago. One that I believe in. One that I never plan on breaking. I told her that I would never look at another woman the way I look at her. I am not even sure that I like other women. It's been all about Tara for me. But then there was that one night with Parker. I close my eyes and press my fingers to my temples. The whole thing is making my head hurt. I need to talk to Tara. I need to be with Tara. I check my watch. It's too late to call her, where ever she is. I fall back onto my pillow and try to imagine she is lying next to me. Sometime late in the night, I fall asleep.

When I wake in the morning, Ziva is gone. I sit on the couch and wrap myself in the quilt. It smells like Ziva and I hold it to my face. She didn't leave a note and I have no idea how to get a hold of her besides email. I send her a quick message, asking her to call me. I have no idea what her thoughts about last night are but I would like to talk through mine. I need to explain myself. I still don't know why she came to me. I need to know what she really wanted. I need to sort my confused feelings. I need to talk to Tara.

I find my cell phone and start to write a text to Tara. We have an unwritten rule that we don't call each other when we are working. It's too easy compromise a cover with a simple call. Besides, if I did call, Tara would think there was some sort of emergency. I erase the letters I've inputted. This is an emergency. For me anyway. I start my text over. After erasing and retyping four or five times, I finally decide on a few simple words. "Call me when you can. Nothing important." I sigh. Not for her it isn't. She doesn't reply right away. She's probably not got her cell on her and it could be hours or even days before she checks it. I call Nate to go out for a drink.

We're well into our third Irish whiskey when he finally asks me what's going on. "Why does something have to be going on for me to want to go out with a friend?" He puts his hand on top of mine. "I know you Sophie. Probably better than anyone. I can tell when you have something on your mind. And since you're here drinking with me" he pokes at my half-filled glass "I am going to assume that it has something to do with Tara." I raise my glass. "You are the mastermind aren't you?" I say before draining my whiskey and waving at the bartender for another. Nate pulls my hand down. "Enough Sophie." He says. "You want to talk, we'll talk. But you're done." "Like you have any room to talk" I snap at him. "Hey. I don't want you to make any decisions you're going to regret. Not like this. Tara is the best thing that's ever happened to you and I'm not going to let you do anything to fuck that up." "No Nate. That's not what this is about. Not really." I wave my hand again for the bartender but this time I order a soda and cranberry. Nate orders a coffee and we move to a table in the back of the bar.

"Nate" I ask quietly "you never cheated on Maggie?" He looks at his cup. "I thought about it but no, I never did. I loved her too much and I would have, hated myself for it." "You're talking about me?" I ask. He nods. "Nate, nothing ever happened between us. It never would have. Not then." He nods again but he doesn't look like he believes me. "Time to drop that Irish guilt trip Nate." He smiles. "When did this become about me anyway?" I smile. "You never cheated on Tara you know." "I know. I mean I did but I was with you and, well she knew that. And I have no illusions that she's been celibate all these years. But now, it's different." "You finally committed" he says. "Yeah". "And now you've met someone?" My eyes drop to the table. "Can I offer the same advice you have always given me?" he asks. "We all have thoughts Sophie. Whether we act on them or not, that's what defines us." "I know" I sigh. "I've just, well, never had thoughts about another women. I'm not gay Nate. At least I don't think I am." He smiles. "Really. I've never thought about it that way. It was just Tara. Not about gender or even sex. Just Tara. But now, I'm really confused." "Because you're attracted to another woman?" I nod. Nate finishes his coffee and stares at the empty cup. "You need to talk with Tara. Things will be easier when she's with you." "I know" I whisper. "I just don't know when she's coming back." "All you need to know is that she IS coming back Sophie. No matter what my thoughts were when I was flirting with you, it always made more sense when Maggie was in my arms. I always knew that I did the right thing." "That's because you are a good guy Nate. I'm a thief. My world isn't as black and white as yours." Nate leans over and kisses me gently. "Yes it is Sophie. You already know what to do."

Nate walks me home. The cool air does a great deal to sober me up and I am much clearer by the time we get to my building. We share a kiss then a hug goodbye. I head up to my flat. As I open the door, I can't help but think how quiet it is and I am immediately lonely. I've had no messages from Tara. No messages from Ziva. I wonder why she came and why she left without word. I wonder where Tara is. I wrap myself in my quilt and fall asleep on the couch.

I wake to something soft brushing against my forehead. I am confused by where I am and what is going on. My head is thick and fuzzy from the whiskey and late night. It takes me a few seconds to focus. When I do, I see bright blue eyes framed by golden hair. Tara! She leans down and touches my forehead again with her lips. "Late night?" she asks with a smile. "Tara!" I throw my arms around her neck, trying to ignore the dizziness and nausea of my hangover. "Oh my God Tara. I missed you so much." She laughs. "It's only been a week Soph." "I don't care Tara. I'm just glad you're here." I pull her down onto the couch on top of me. She notices me wince as my head falls back on to the couch. "You're hung over Soph. Go take a shower and I will make you some tea and something to eat." She starts to untangle herself from my arms and legs but I hold on to her. "I love you Tara." "I know Soph."

I feel much more like myself. I am sitting in the kitchen with a nice cup of tea, nibbling on an egg white omelet that Tara made for me. She's sitting across the table from me, just watching, I suppose to make sure I eat. I eat as much as I can then push the plate across toward her. She takes my fork and nibbles a bit before clearing the table. I take my cuppa and go to sit on the couch. I'm not entirely sure what I want to say to her, if anything. I know she senses there is something on my mind. I can tell by the way she's been watching me. She knows that if she waits long enough, I will probably tell her. Maybe.

Tara comes and sits next to me on the sofa. She still doesn't say anything and I can't think of anything to say. She takes the tea cup from my hand and puts it on the table. "Whatever it is Sophie. You can tell me." "I know Tara. I've just not sorted it all myself yet." "Well then let me help." She takes my hand. I stare at it, trying to think of what I want to say. I finally blurt out "Ziva came to see me."

Tara doesn't say anything for a few second. I still can't look at her. Finally, she says "So? I don't understand Sophie. What did she say? Why are you so upset?" "She didn't say anything. Well not really." I say. "I think she's having doubts." "Doubts?" "Yeah. About her life choices I guess. It's just that she doesn't feel like she's had any choices and now she's wondering what she missed." "Understandable" Tara says. "Yeah" I agree. I still stare at my hand in hers.

"What else Soph?" "What do you mean?" I ask although I know exactly what she means. "I mean we've all had this conversation. Work over family. What a different life might look like. Is that what the problem is? Are you wondering about your decisions? Are you wondering about me?" The question hits me like a jolt of electricity. "What? Oh God no Tara. I've never wondered about you. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Why would you even think that?" "Because you've never been sure Soph." Her voice is almost a whisper. "You've never been sure that this is what you really want. Being with a woman. With me." I shake my head but she keeps talking. "We've always had fun Soph but this is reality now. I'm terrified that you'll want something more traditional. Nate. Or another man. A real family."

I finally look at her and I see tears in her blue eyes. "No Tara. Never. You are who I want. That has never, never will change. I just, well, when Ziva was here, she was upset. Really upset. And she cried. And I didn't what I know to do. I held her." "And you felt something?" Tara asks quietly. "I'm so sorry Tara. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. And I would never…" She reaches out and gently touches my face. "I know Soph. But you don't have to worry. It's normal to be attracted to people. It's part of being human. And I trust you. Is that it?" I nod. "It doesn't feel normal Tara. I promised you a long time ago.." She cuts me off. "Sophie, you promised me you weren't attracted to Parker, not that you would never be attracted to another woman." "I did though. And I meant it." I am having trouble understanding why this isn't bothering her. "So you think it's OK with me that you that you look at men but not women?" I nod. "I guess." "I know you think that you're doing something wrong Soph but it really is normal. Maybe you're just becoming more comfortable with your sexuality? Maybe you're finally willing to accept who you really are?" "So I'm really gay now? That doesn't feel right either." "It is what it is Soph. Whatever you are. It doesn't really matter does it?" "I don't know. It seems to." "Well it doesn't to me. I love you for who you are even if that is a crazy, mixed up, bi-sexual grifter." I smile. "I love you too Tara." She kisses me. "Now, why don't you call Ziva and see if she's still in town. I'd love to see her too."


End file.
